by Lynnell Mickelsen

As someone who grew up evangelical, I've been having my own little schadenfreude festival over Ted Haggard's little revelations. Which is why I was so delighted to get the following missive from Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian ("So close to Jesus I'm still returning the lingerie he bought me for Christmas") regarding Pastor Ted.

Below is an edited version, go here for the full version with links.

Dear Brothers and Sisters:

I suspect that this will be a rather uncomfortable weekend at the Ted Haggard tax-free mansion. You see, Reverend Haggard is a vociferous spokesperson against gay marriage and, until yesterday, his wife probably had no idea she was actually in one'..

You think I'm selling the woman's intuition for pushily obvious queenery short. But if Haggard's unblinking congregation could sit and listen to such a liturgical Liberace week after week and not realize they were in the presence of someone who makes Barry Manilow in a full-length mink look butch, they really need to recalibrate their ability to detect prescription-strength doses of flamboyance.

But before everyone piles on with protestations of shock and awe, allow me to pause for praise where it is due for this man Harper's claimed to hold more sway over the political direction of evangelicalism than any pastor in America. It is quite clear that Ted Haggard is a man with admirable devotion to the Christian/GOP cause'..Haggard famously claimed that "the only difference between me and George Bush is that Bush drives a Ford and I drive a Chevy." And from what I can tell, this may be the only honest thing the man has said. Let's compare, shall we?

Against gay marriage?

Check
.
Fondness for sniffing illegal white powder?

Check.

Association with gay male prostitutes?

Jeff Gannon meet Mike Jones.

But I guess it is no more difficult to be a homosexual who purports to dislike homosexuality than it is to be a strike-first warmonger who purports to follow the Prince of Peace. Indeed, if only lying were a car, instead of a way of approaching the world, maybe one of them would have finally traded it in for something else by now.

But Mr. Haggard shows no more knack for honesty than he does for picking discrete prostitutes. Indeed, his lying skills are so uproariously amateurish that, frankly, I think he needs some lessons from a pro like Dick Cheney, a man who can say, "I'm not currently saying this" and mean it.
For example, Haggard claims he visited the man he previously had never met simply to get a "massage." (As Marge Davis asked, "Well what is it that they are massaging is what I want to know!").

Haggard is also claiming that he purchased a "first time customers only" introductory sample of crystal meth (meth dealers are notorious for their promotions). But threw it away. This must be our GOP version of the implausibility of "not inhaling," but, in typical Republican fashion, seems rather more blatantly wasteful. Did he not think of the consequences of this lie? Why, poor Nicole Richie is probably combing the side of every road out of Denver for that tiny baggie as I type this. But the talent-free waif searches in vain. Anyone who listens to Haggard's insistent voice messages can tell that this was someone jonesing for a fix, not a mildly curious man given to impromptu middle-age hard-drug experimentation like another 50 year-old might finally try a Mojito. Listen to the recordings: we're talking "Lindsay Lohan down to her last kilo" desperate here.

It's become almost an axiom of American unctuousness that the more preening the public scold, the more inevitable the public scald'..Evangelicals have been essential to Mr. Bush's election and every pandering appearance near a cross or coded reference to scripture reminds us that the President is keenly aware of this perceived debt. But David Kuo, in his book Tempting Fate, tells us that such overt supplication is done with patronizing perfunctoriness. Evangelicals are actually mocked behind their backs at the White House.

The White House might have found this revelation embarrassing if people like Haggard didn't routinely prove that Evangelicals don't take anything they say seriously either. Jim Bakker got caught with his secretary while she still had her own breasts. Jimmy Swaggart got caught in a motel on a urine-stained mattress littered with unsavory streetwalkers'.

Mark Foley campaigned against legalizing gay marriage. Almost inevitably, we then find out that this was probably only because he would never tie the knot with someone old enough to legally marry '.. But what can you expect from the state that gave us not only the odious Katherine Harris but also aquamarine appliances?

While Jesus was appallingly lax in neglecting to mention His disgust with homosexuality, he did take Republicans (for some reason, called Pharisees back then) to task for being hypocrites. As any modern Republican can tell you, Jesus, of course, had it all backwards. Homosexuality is to be despised. And lying (even about despising homosexuality) it just a quirk, something you tell people to get their money or vote. Ask Ted Haggard's best buddy James Dobson.

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